(from I Left My Mind in Mississippi… But I Still Have My Ministry, pg. 81-83.)
One of the most popular shows on late night TV is David Letterman. Letterman has become famous for his “Top 10” list. In fact, two books have been published containing his “best of” lists.
What if we had a similar top ten list for Bible characters. Or a top ten list of religious pet peeves? Well, your prayers have been answered. Now you can purchase your own copy of The POTLUCK HALL OF FAME, and other Bizarre Christian Lists by David Dickerson. The book is printed by InterVarsity.
Knowing my love for televangelists, I thought you might like to read the book “Top Ten Pet Peeves of Televangelists”.
10. Toupees that look fake no matter how much Brylcream you add.
9. Being made fun of by people who can’t get a Southern accent right.
8. When God tells you you’re going to become president and find out later that he lied to you.
7. Faulty doghouse air conditioning.
6. “Miracle Healing Towels” that still have “Tulsa Hilton” written on them.
5. When at the stroke of midnight you’ve raised $7,999,999 for God, and he kills you anyway.
4. The passages of the Bible that have big words.
3. Declining sales of “Christ’s Own Salad Dressing.”
2. Mother is sometimes stubborn about keeping her pension check.
1. Prison Food.
There are dozens of lists in the book, including, “The Top Nine Sermon Tapes to Avoid.” My favorite in that list is, “Why God is fed up with you”. The top Bumper Sticker is “Predestination Happens.” Faith Healers Pet Peeves include, “Stagehands who forget when to pull the fishing line.” Job’s Number one Pet Peeve is “People who keep quoting Romans 8:28 to you.”
This book got my creative wheels turning, so I’ve come up with a few lists of my own. After reading them you may decide I should stick to preaching.
How about – Preacher’s Top Ten Nightmares when dealing with a new church.
10. They won’t come to hear you preach.
9. They come to hear you preach, and there’s a called business meeting.
8. After hearing you preach, they never call again.
7. One of the members of the committee recognizes your message as the keynote message given by Adrian Rogers at the Southern Baptist convention.
6. They will ask your kids how they feel about the move.
5. They will meet your worst critic in the foyer and strike up a conversation.
4. You’re in a “run off” with two others, both disgustingly good looking.
3. They will ask for a detailed thesis on your views on the Rapture.
2. They ask if your wife plays the piano, harmonica, or any other musical instrument.
1. You discover, after accepting the call, the committee is conservative and the church is moderate.
The ten greatest fears of preachers would have to be:
10. Greek Scholars discover tithing is not in the original manuscripts.
9. You leave your wireless mike on when you go to the restroom.
8. Archaeologists discover Paul did in fact use the Scofield King James.
7. Forgetting to put on your waders in the baptistery.
6. Baptizing someone twice as big as you.
5. Forgetting the couples name during a wedding ceremony.
4. Budget discussion. i.e. How much does the preacher make?
3. Someone who wants you to come give last rites to their dog.
2. You forget to introduce your mother-in-law when she visits.
1. You forget to introduce your mother when she visits.
How about – Ten Things You Will Never See…
10. A piano at a Church of Christ convention.
9. A Mormon missionary in a flowered tie or wild socks.
8. A Presbyterian with a smile.
7. A person who actually enjoys Vacation Bible School.
6. A missionary without a slide projector.
5. A pastor who hated his trip to the Holy Land.
4. A fifty year old youth minister.
3. A liberal soul winner.
2. A bookstore that Michael Catt can drive by without stopping.
1. A practical seminary degree.
The top reasons I have for writing weird articles:
9. It beats yard work.
8. To make you think.
7. It keeps me off the streets.
6. It gives me an excuse to read PEOPLE magazine.
5. My friends like it.
4. It doesn’t sound like 37,000 other pastors’ articles ‘Wasn’t yesterday a wonderful day?’
3. Just because.
2. It releases tension.
1. I’m the pastor, that’s why!
PROFOUND THOUGHT…”A joyful heart is good medicine…” Proverbs 17:22.
YOU CAN SMILE NOW!
Michael served as the President of the Large Church Roundtable, the Southern Baptist Convention as an IMB Trustee, President of the Georgia Baptist Convention’s Preaching Conference, Vice President of the Georgia Baptist Convention, and President of the 2008 Southern Baptist Convention Pastors’ Conference. He has spoken at conferences, colleges, seminaries, rallies, camps, NBA and college chapel services, well as The Billy Graham Training Center at The Cove. Michael is the recipient of The Martin Luther King Award, The MLK Unity Award, and a Georgia Senate Resolution in recognition of his work in the community and in racial reconciliation.
Michael and his wife, Terri, have two grown daughters, Erin and Hayley.